Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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