went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
