Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
