I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize