dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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