i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
