Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize