I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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