I am in a vortex of obligation.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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