I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
