finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
