i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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