Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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