K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Randomize
