Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
