When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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