Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
