Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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