I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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