My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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