My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
