Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
