if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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