I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
