How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
