based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
