YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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