I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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