It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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