Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
