You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
