and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
