I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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