I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
