so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
