The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
well you can't waste a boner
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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