I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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