awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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