...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
