i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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