Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
