You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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