apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
