I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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