Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
