just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
