so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
