Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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