he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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