My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
