i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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