He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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