Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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