I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
