I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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