I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
